we're chasing vodka with high fives
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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