Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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