so let's talk penis.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
