Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
