I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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