I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
