brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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