Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
