i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
