Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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