you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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