I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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