There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
