How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
