Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My penis needs a shock collar
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
