I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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