So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I understand Curling. That high.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
