good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
