I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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