my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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