and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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