So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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