Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
