Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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