What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
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