i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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