it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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