he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Randomize
