Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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