when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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