You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
you had me at cake vodka
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
