I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
