I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
