Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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