Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
