That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
