Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
