You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Randomize
