I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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