i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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