He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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