I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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