Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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