hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
