I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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