I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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