Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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