a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
