i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
