Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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