I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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