After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
