He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
