You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
