id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
