My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
