last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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