i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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