Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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