at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
