i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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