no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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