1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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