I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
