I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
